


hella good hair

by Ahavaa



Category: Bad Blood - Taylor Swift (Music Video), Daredevil (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: AU, Crack, Crossover, F/F, Gen, Ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-04-08 21:46:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4321908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ahavaa/pseuds/Ahavaa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Catastrophe visits Daredevil in the hospital.  The Avengers watch, but not from a safe distance.  </p><p>alternatively: taylor swift forces matt murdock to pet her therapy cat, tony stark believes in robots, and natasha would like catastrophe to handle her ex-girlfriend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [we're so fancy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4112929) by [anonymousdaredevils](https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonymousdaredevils/pseuds/anonymousdaredevils). 



> ...y'know those terrible crossovers that just. give. you. life? yeah. i have no excuses, here.

Matt had been dozing in the medical wing of the Avengers tower after he'd wound up stuck helping them (and doing his best to steer them away from Hell's Kitchen, because he'd be damned if he was going to chance _the Hulk_ getting loose in his city) when the pack of mutant kids and their mutant, telepathically controlled giant frogs started their bank robbing spree. Matt had accidentally collided with a large frog in midair, and slipped; he hadn't broken any bones, but Banner had talked him into coming back to the Tower and resting for a little bit. 

And then they'd x-rayed him, and it turned out what he'd thought were bruises along his ribcage were...maybe...technically hairline fractures, and then Dr. Banner had gotten unnecessarily concerned about _that_. There had been a lot more x-rays. Matt had decided to use the opportunity to nap, because this was probably the one hospital where no one would try to catch him off guard and pull his mask off in the hunt for insurance information. 

He woke up entirely because Stark had started shouting, a few floors down, and Matt could hear him really well. 

"Oh my god," Iron Man said. "Avengers, you're on your own, I quit. Sign me up for _this_ superhero team, I can _rock_ the stilettos, don't worry." 

"Tony," the Hulk - well, Bruce Banner - said, quietly, but he was only a couple of floors down and Matt found it hard not to ignore _the Hulk_ , so Matt heard him just fine. It was the first time Matt understood what _admonished_ really meant. "Please don't hit on her and ruin all chances of a collaborative work environment."

"We really just came to check on Daredevil," Catastrophe said, which was about the moment that Matt jerked and tried to find a place to hide - well, he could try to escape, but they had Hawkeye outside the door of the room they'd put him in, and there weren't a lot of hiding spots in this room in Stark's tower. He should - if it wouldn't have given the game away so badly, he would've gone after Stark for all the ADA code violations in his stupid tower. What was _she_ doing here? Why was she checking up on him? 

 

***

 

"You...came...to check on Daredevil," Hawkeye said, outside the door, and he sounded so full of unholy glee that Matt considered simply diving under the bed. (It was very difficult to bust out of a Stark window. He did something tricky to the glass, nowadays.) "You. _You_ came to check up on - you came to _check up on_ \- Daredevil. Angry little bastard? Dumb horns? Almost as secretive as that Spiderman?" 

"Natasha! _and_ to see Natasha, you look _amazing_ , I saw you on the news last week! how've you been holding up? HYDRA was - look, honey, nobody could've seen that coming, but I thought about you, you know you can always stay with us if you need a - a couple of weeks with no paparazzi in your hair."

"Hello, Cat," the Black Widow said. Of _course_ they knew each other. "You're looking well. We should catch up; are you single? I know this _great_ girl, she's your type -"

"We _should_ , but my love life is a disaster right now, I'm...not in the market." She pushed into the room; oh god, there was something alive on her shoulders. "Daredevil, you know you're welcome to crash at the Institute too, right? Did I - oh my gosh, I never told you - I am _so embarrassed_ , we are a team, guys, we need to network more." 

"Agree," Stark said. "Best way to network? Pool party."

"What is that thing?" Matt asked. He was - was he wearing pants? He was wearing pants, _thank god_ , but - "is it alive?" 

"Yes! I remember what you said -"

("they _know_ each other? how do they know each other?" Hawkeye whispered to Natasha.) 

" - so I brought Tomato." 

"...Tomato," Matt said. 

"My god, that thing is alive? Wait, is it going to shit in my tower?" Stark asked.

"No," Matt said, about half a second before Catastrophe said "nah, she's probably good." 

"How did you know that?" Dr. Banner asked. 

"I. Uh. I can just. You can smell when someone." Matt said. 

"New babysitter," Hawkeye sang, in the background. 

Catastrophe clapped her hands, sharply, and everyone refocused. It was nice, because Matt had started to feel overwhelmed. "Okay! Remember, guys, this is about Daredevil and making sure he feels better!" she chirped. "Because I mean. Honey. Oh, honey, you look _terrible_." 

(" _honey_ ," Stark said, in what he probably thought was a whisper.) 

"I'm fine," Matt said. 

"Look, here, this is what I've been telling you -" and the animal on her shoulders stood up and leaped to the edge of Matt's hospital bed, _what_. 

"Arggh," he said. "What - what is this, what is it doing?"

"It's Tomato," Catastrophe explained, seriously. It was - very fluffy, and it crawled into Matt's lap and started purring at the - the top of its lungs? how did cats purr? what was _going on_? "Tomato's the one who comes with me when we do media stuff like visit kids in the hospital, she's _very good_ with nervous people and little kids, you can't scare her." 

"I am going to be famous on the internet," Hawkeye said, and he sounded like it was both Christmas and birthday and he'd gotten the opportunity to make things explode. Matt sensed that he was holding up something small and square, pointing it at Matt, damnit, which meant - 

"Stop recording me," Matt said immediately. He would've gotten up and taken the phone away from Hawkeye, but - Tomato was oddly heavy, and she'd planted herself in Matt's lap like a clam or a barnacle. He reached out - carefully, nervously - to grab...Tomato. and remove her, and she rubbed a tiny, bony little cat jaw against his fingers. Imperiously. 

"She likes to be scratched," Catastrophe added, helpfully. 

"I will find your phone and break it into a million pieces," Matt told Hawkeye. It was hard to convey the proper level of menace when a large fluffy cat was using you like a bed, but he really tried. 

"Bro," he said. He sounded offended. "It's in the cloud all ready, that wouldn't fix anything. It would be a petty, spiteful act."

"Yes," Matt said. Tomato patted his face with one ridiculously fluffy paw, so he couldn't grit his teeth or get too loud, because there was a _cat paw_ on his face. "Yes, that's - that would be the point."

"Shh, Daredevil," Catastrophe told him: "she wants you to use two hands to pet her, I think." 

"I'm sorry, Daredevil, but this is going to be _really good_ for your public image," Natasha said, which meant he was boned, professional speaking. Once Hawkeye and Black Widow organized themselves on the same side of an issue, whatever they wanted was almost guaranteed to happen. 

"CATASTROPHE," Thor said, as he barged into the room. Matt heard him pick her up; she squeaked, happily. "And Tomato! Truly a great day, would you not agree, Daredevil?" 

"Tomato misses you," Catastrophe told Thor, seriously. "We should coordinate the next hospital thing, right?" 

"YES," Stark said. 

"Tony," Catastrophe said. "I absolutely respect you as a person, and I feel that we know each other well enough that you can quit the insecure hyper masculine attempt to objectify me." 

" _No_ ," Stark said. 

"There's no shame in being vulnerable," she said. 

"I can prove that statement empirically false, with science," Stark said, and it sounded like he was gearing up to expand on that point, but someone - the Black Widow, probably - did something, it was hard for _Matt_ to hear what it was, and he yelped and gave up. 

"That's not what science is for, Tony," Banner said. 

"So what's the deal with this cat? it is _tranquilizing_ him, Daredevil is an asshole, is it a magic cat?" Stark asked. Normally Matt would've flipped him off at this point, but Tomato rubbed its little head, hard, against Matt's free hand, and he - didn't stop petting it. "Is it the...fluffy parts? or the purring? I can make a cat robot that doesn't shit itself, we can figure out the hertz there, no worries, call it a therapy tool." 

It was very weird, because Tomato had a rapid-fire heartbeat and only weighed (fifteen? twenty? thirty? - it was hard to tell) a little bit, but she was...soothing. 

"Don't be ridiculous," Natasha said. "Hi, Tomato! She's so big now, Cat!" 

"Yes," Catastrophe said, proudly. "Ars - someone I used to know, she thought there was some ragdoll in her family tree." Her heartbeat had sped up, for a second, and she sounded inexplicably melancholy, suddenly. Matt didn't know what to _do_ with that, because one of the terrifying things about Catastrophe was how even-keeled she was, for a hyper-violent nigh-invulnerable martial artist in stiletto heels. 

"Yeah," Natasha said, slow and thoughtful. "We do need to catch up, girl, I want to talk to you about your ex."

"She's...very fluffy," Matt said. "Tomato, I mean. Not - um. Not your ex," and either that was the right thing to say or he'd been imagining it, because Catastrophe chirped "I know, right?" 

Fur went up Matt's nose. He sneezed.


	2. Chapter 2

"You need to do something about Arsyn," Natasha told Catastrophe. 

Catastrophe was wearing a blue armored sportsbra and what Natasha was pretty sure were armored or Kevlar leggings in an abstract, oceanic pattern, and boots with stainless steel stiletto heels, and a ridiculous soft grey-and-violet knitted scarf. Natasha _wanted_ that scarf, or the name of whoever knitted it: it was gorgeous. Cat had ordered a pumpkin spice latte even though it was only late July, and the barista had smiled and made one right away. (Natasha was a little jealous about that. She had a black coffee with one sugar, and that was fine, but - but she didn't have a pumpkin spice latte, and Catastrophe's smelled _amazing_.) 

Catastrophe widened her eyes. Not to manipulate: just because she was, in fact, that earnest and serious. "I - I _am_ ," she said. "Natasha, I - look, it's just. It's been a...a little tough, to be honest." 

"No," Natasha said. She felt more than a little awful about what she had to say next: it was probably all that exposure to Steve Rogers and his determination to save _everyone_. "While she was hitting corporate targets, no one cared, but she's graduated to military targets." 

"She's - she thinks she's doing the right thing," Catastrophe told her pumpkin latte, very seriously. 

"You have a limited window to handle her before she draws national attention," Natasha said. "I can. Cat, I can _help you_ , you just have to -"

"Oh no," Catastrophe said: she made eye contact, and her eyes were dry and her mascara made her lashes look about two inches long. "It's fine, Tasha." She sipped her latte. "I'll handle it, but -" and then she put the cup down, and reached out: Natasha gave her both hands. (Yes, Catastrophe had the stainless steel stilettos, but Natasha felt comfortable letting Cat hold her hands: she could still flip her over the table, probably before Cat could kick her, if this turned into a double cross. And she _needed to know_ exactly how compromised Catastrophe actually was.) "Okay," Catastrophe said, and she sounded small, and miserable. "Okay, you're right, she's -" she laughed. "out of control." 

"I don't think she's out of control," Natasha said. "Just...making the wrong decisions." 

"How am I supposed to _bring her in_?" Cat asked. She sounded _raw_. "Bring her in _where_? I mean - oh, this is stupid, I shouldn't - bother you, I guess." She buried her face in her hands. "She can't be locked up," she said, and it wasn't the public speaking voice, and it wasn't the chirpy voice she used around Daredevil. She just sounded sad. Tired. 

"Cat," Natasha said. How could she possibly - _Rogers_ , she wanted to say, and _Barnes_ , and all the reasons why Catastrophe should trust her and tag her in on this one, but. 

"She _can't_ ," Catastrophe said. 

"Not while I'm on it," Natasha said: "she's not the only lost cause I'm working on, right now, Cat, _please let me help_." 

Cat finished her latte, and Natasha finished her coffee. Catastrophe left first, walking in that exaggerated sway-hipped rhythm that showed off her narrow waist and excellent ass: Natasha considered the number that Catastrophe had left her, and plotted.


End file.
